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RENAMED BROADWAY MUSICALS
Actually, it's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation!
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1- I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
2- WARNING! Chocolate will make your clothes shrink.
3- I'm not fat ... I'm just easy to see.
4- SORRY! You have me confused with the maid WE DON'T HAVE!
5- Mirror, mirror on the wall ... What the hell happened?
6- All you need is love ... and a dog!!!
7- Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions. Chocolate understands!
8- I'm the kind of dirty you can't wash off.
9- Of course I talk to myself ... Sometimes I need expert advice.
10- I'm not overweight ... I'm chocolate enriched.
11- Everything is better in your pajamas
12- I'd give up chocolate, but I'm not a quitter
13- Alcohol may be man's worst enemy....but the Bible says to love your enemies
14- Wine is water held together with sunlight
15- It's not a hangover; its a wine flu
16- I'd agree with you, but thane we'd both be wrong
17- Friends are tied together with heart strings
18- Born Free - Taxed To Death
19- You don't have to be crazy to work here ... we'll train you
20- Friends Welcome - Relatives By Appointment
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Tipping Policy: Waiter, $10 per pound gained per day. (Note to exercise nuts: if you actually lost weight on your cruise, give the waiter $3 per day, and tip the fitness director $500!)
Cruise Director: The person whose responsibility it is to see that even in case of mutiny, the crew members involved will not interrupt bingo or the shuffleboard tournament.
Hotel Director: Shipboard officer responsible for all guest comforts. He performs the same role as his counterpart on land, though it should be said that the manager of a Sheraton does not have to worry about his establishment colliding with a Hyatt across the street, or about being in the wrong city when his guests arrive. Or having to arrange an air drop if he runs out of olives.
Deck Hands: A roaming pack of seamen whose standing orders are to "Paint anything that doesn't move." (Please bear this in mind if you decide to nap on any outer deck.
Cellar Master: Despite the lack of an actual cellar, he can provide the correct pronunciation of "Pouilly Fusse."
Senior Head Waiter: Performs the same function as the Maitre d', except he has to speak in a phony Italian accent (He's actually from somewhere in Ohio).
2. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
3. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
4. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)
5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
Lead us, dear Lord, to good, inexpensive restaurants in the world ashore - where the food is superb, the waiters friendly, and the wine included in the price of a meal.
Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from bargains they do not need or cannot afford. Lead them not into temptation in St. Thomas or Hong Kong for they know not what they do.
Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Above all, please do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.
TIDYING DOWN: (Ti dee ing down) v. The act of cleaning up your stateroom just before you leave to prevent your stewardess from thinking you're a slob. (Condition is known to wane as the cruise progresses).
DRESSITANCE: (dres ah dens) n. The irrational fear felt by men on their way to the dining room that they may be wearing a tuxedo on a casual night or, conversely, a polo shirt on a formal night.
MERLOTAGE: (mer low taj) n. The desire to order a wine because you have recently mastered the correct pronunciation of it. [Also known as POUILLYFUSSEISM].
PREVERSAL: (pre vers uhl) n. The fake "oh I just remembered" maneuver perpetuated for the benefit of others when you realize you've been walking the wrong way down a corridor and need to quickly turn around and head the other way.
PREDUNDANCY: (pre dun dan see) v. Returning to your stateroom and tuning in the same Shore Excursion presentation at exactly the same point you tuned in the last time, and the time before.
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Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Decaffeinated: (adj.) A cow that has had an abortion.
"Inoculatte" (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Strong Coffee (n): Sorry, no such thing...there are only weak people.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
"Cashtration" (n.): The act of buying 120-day world cruise, rendering the subject financially impotent for 120 days.
"Giraffiti" (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
"Decafalon" (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
"Glibido" (v): All talk and no action.
"Dopeler Effect" (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
"Beelzebug" (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito in your cabin at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Riffraff
People who floated down the river on rafts used oars called rifs to help steer the rafts.
Fiddling Around
People played fiddles along the riverbanks and wharves for pennies.
Outlandish
Anything west of the Mississippi River was called outland and early pioneers who traveled there were called outlanders. Their frequently rowdy behavior and loud clothing were called outlandish.
High Falutin
Steamboats had high fluted stacks to direct cinders and smoke away from passengers and people rich enough to travel on steamboats were called high falutin.
Hog Wash
Live hogs were washed before being brought on board. The water thrown out as useless was called hog wash.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens, who wrote as Mark Twain was not only an important American writer and lecturer, he was also a steamboat pilot. He spent 18 months in training and three years piloting on various paddlewheelers. Mark Twain is a call used when sounding the river depth, 'Twain' meaning the river was two fathoms (12 feet) deep, safe for steamboat navigation.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity any more.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp.
May you live as long as you like,
And have all you like as long as you live.
May you love as long as you want to....
And may you want to - as long as you love to.
May you have love to share...
Health to spare...
And friends that care!
May we kiss who we please,
And please who we kiss.
There are good ships,
and there are wood ships,
The ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships, are friendships,
And may they always be.
There are small ships, and large ships.
There are wooden ships and there are metal ships.
But the best ships of all are friendships.
Here's to cheating, stealing, fighting, and drinking!
If you cheat, may you cheat death.
If you steal, may you steal a woman's heart.
If you fight, may you fight for a brother.
If you drink, may you drink with me.
My heart is as full as my glass,
When I drink to you, old friend!
Here's to you and here's to me,
Friends may we always be!
But, if by chance we disagree,
Up yours! Here's to me!
One bottle for four of us,
Thank God there's no more of us!
May neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.
May you have the hindsight to know where you've been,
The foresight to know where you are going,
And the insight to know when you have gone too far.
* * * McMurphy's Law
* * * Celibacy is not hereditary.
* * * Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
* * * Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the bone.
* * * Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
* * * Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* * * The other queue always moves faster.
* * * Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
* * * The chance of a slice of bread falling butter-side-down, is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
* * * Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
* * * The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
* * * A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
* * * Anything good in life Is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
* * * The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
* * * McMurphy's Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
* * * In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
* * * McMurphy was an optimist!
Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead!
The 2nd worm in wine, dead!
The 3rd worm in whiskey, dead!
The 4th worm in mineral water, alive and healthy!
The teacher asked the class: "What did you learn from this experiment?"
Tommy raised his hand and said: "If you drink beer, wine and whiskey, you won't have worms!