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Tipping Policy: Waiter, $10 per pound gained per day. (Note to exercise nuts: if you actually lost weight on your cruise, give the waiter $3 per day, and tip the fitness director $500!)
Cruise Director: The person whose responsibility it is to see that even in case of mutiny, the crew members involved will not interrupt bingo or the shuffleboard tournament.
Hotel Director: Shipboard officer responsible for all guest comforts. He performs the same role as his counterpart on land, though it should be said that the manager of a Sheraton does not have to worry about his establishment colliding with a Hyatt across the street, or about being in the wrong city when his guests arrive. Or having to arrange an air drop if he runs out of olives.
Deck Hands: A roaming pack of seamen whose standing orders are to “Paint anything that doesn’t move.” (Please bear this in mind if you decide to nap on any outer deck.
Cellar Master: Despite the lack of an actual cellar, he can provide the correct pronunciation of “Pouilly Fusse.”
Senior Head Waiter: Performs the same function as the Maitre d’, except he has to speak in a phony Italian accent (He’s actually from somewhere in Ohio).
2. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
3. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
4. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
Lead us, dear Lord, to good, inexpensive restaurants in the world ashore – where the food is superb, the waiters friendly, and the wine included in the price of a meal.
Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from bargains they do not need or cannot afford. Lead them not into temptation in St. Thomas or Hong Kong for they know not what they do.
Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Above all, please do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.
TIDYING DOWN: (Ti dee ing down) v. The act of cleaning up your stateroom just before you leave to prevent your stewardess from thinking you’re a slob. (Condition is known to wane as the cruise progresses).
DRESSITANCE: (dres ah dens) n. The irrational fear felt by men on their way to the dining room that they may be wearing a tuxedo on a casual night or, conversely, a polo shirt on a formal night.
MERLOTAGE: (mer low taj) n. The desire to order a wine because you have recently mastered the correct pronunciation of it. [Also known as POUILLYFUSSEISM].
PREVERSAL: (pre vers uhl) n. The fake “oh I just remembered” maneuver perpetuated for the benefit of others when you realize you’ve been walking the wrong way down a corridor and need to quickly turn around and head the other way.
PREDUNDANCY: (pre dun dan see) v. Returning to your stateroom and tuning in the same Shore Excursion presentation at exactly the same point you tuned in the last time, and the time before.
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Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Decaffeinated: (adj.) A cow that has had an abortion.
"Inoculatte" (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Strong Coffee (n): Sorry, no such thing...there are only weak people.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
"Cashtration" (n.): The act of buying 120-day world cruise, rendering the subject financially impotent for 120 days.
"Giraffiti" (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
"Decafalon" (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
"Glibido" (v): All talk and no action.
"Dopeler Effect" (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
"Beelzebug" (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito in your cabin at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
“Riffraff”
People who floated down the river on rafts used oars called rifs to help steer the rafts.
“Fiddling Around”
People played fiddles along the riverbanks and wharves for pennies.
“Outlandish”
Anything west of the Mississippi River was called outland and early pioneers who traveled there were called outlanders. Their frequently rowdy behavior and loud clothing were called outlandish.
“High Falutin”
Steamboats had high fluted stacks to direct cinders and smoke away from passengers and people rich enough to travel on steamboats were called high falutin.
“Hog Wash”
Live hogs were washed before being brought on board. The water thrown out as useless was called hog wash.
“Mark Twain”
Samuel Clemens, who wrote as Mark Twain was not only an important American writer and lecturer, he was also a steamboat pilot. He spent 18 months in training and three years piloting on various paddlewheelers. “Mark Twain is a call used when sounding the river depth, “Twain” meaning the river was two fathoms (12 feet) deep, safe for steamboat navigation.
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